Beachbody or Bust!

I have a dream life, life. I have a loving husband, three beautiful, smart, healthy kids, an amazing family, a beautiful home, the best friends a girl could ask for, yet some days I go though life with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Literally, the weight.

Here I am, living this happy, wonderful life... and I've somehow found myself fifty pounds overweight. Yes, you read that correctly 50.  It's awful. It's sad, overwhelming, depressing, and every emotion in between.  I look in the mirror and don't recognize the person staring back at me and it's not because somewhere along the line I've turned into a middle aged mother with no fashion sense whatsoever.

I've tried every weight loss gimmick, schimmick, and program known to man.  And here I go jumping on the Beachbody bandwagon. Don't laugh. I've seen firsthand this program transform tons of people right in my circle. Yes, I know some can become selfie posting, facebook status hogging, blow it up your *** people, but they also can be motivating, positive, inspiring, and that beacon of light that you need when you don't know where else to go. And some give me that glimmer of hope that I need when I feel like I'll never be pretty, fit, or without a double chin again.

They make me believe that I can do this. So here goes.  Enjoy the ride.

Beachbody.

Day 1...

Apparently I suck at this weight loss thing.  If you had told me that I would one day struggle with my weight I never would have believed you.

I was always a stick. I could eat whatever I wanted.  And this freaking sucks. A big one.

I go through phases where I'm so angry I let my weight balloon this high. I get mad, sad, and everything in between.  And I'm ready to end it right now.  Unfortunately, as my coach pointed out, it's not going to happen overnight but it will happen... if I put forth the effort and try.

F me.

So here goes the beginning of the boring blog posts.  I'm going to plan out one day ahead what I'm eating and my workout for the following day.  Creative writing will be sparse... but I need to have accountability. If you see me slacking with posts, then you know I'm shoving donuts and soda down my mouth. Friday weigh-ins.  And if you have advice or motivation, I NEED to hear it.:)

Monday

Breakfast- Almond milk, banana, chocolate Shakeology

Lunch- Green salad, cucumber, onion, side of chicken breast with curry powder, 1tsp mayo, raisons

Dinner- Chili- one serving, fat free sour cream

Snack- Apple

Workout- Day 1 t25, Run/Walk (mostly walk) 3 miles.

Each night I'll write how I did and then write my plan for the next day. 

Goal by my birthday 173 (March 14)

Ultimate goal 145 and feeling like myself again.

Come on, Shaun T, do your thang!

I want to remember this...

So, I have these hairbrained ideas... and this week I messaged a random friend, told her my weight, and asked that she check in on me weekly and try to motivate me. Modern day fat shaming if you will.  Ya see, people always say you have to reach the point where you want it and are ready, but I got to thinking- What if you want it, but have lost that will to begin because you are just afraid you will fail yet again, and maybe, just maybe, if you have someone checking in on you and you aren't just doing it for yourself, it will help.

I want to remember the feeling of sharing a number on the scale so high my heart hurts. I want to remember this.

Its also the holidays and every where you turn there are treats and sweets and so much goodness.  But it's the holidays and I refused to have our family picture on our Christmas card because I didn't want to broadcast to the world how large and in charge I am.  Never again. I want to remember this.

With the holidays come gatherings and the other day as I was strolling through Kohls looking for a shirt to wear with my leggings- because yes, any type of button pants won't button on me, I saw one out of the corner of my eye.  I walked over, saw the 1x and realized I was in the Women's big girl section, almost had a meltdown, and bought it. And now if I go anywhere I'm paranoid my tag will be sticking out and someone will know I'm in 1x.  I want to remember this.

Every minute of every day, I think about my weight and it brings me down.

I want to remember this.

Because this is not me.

I am better than this.

I'm bringin' sexy back

I'm that mom.  I'm that mom who is so proud of her kids and they are her world.  I'm that mom who is so proud of her kids that they have become her world. I'm that mom that keeps a beautiful, clean, and tidy house. I'm that mom that has good friends and a loving husband. I'm that mom that is undyingly thankful for all that I have and am blessed with the life I live.

I'm also that mom that takes care of everyone and everything but herself. I haven't been thankful for myself, my health, my wellbeing for a long time. While I don't yell at my kids, I hit drive thrus like they are going out of style.  While I have my shit together and go to bed with a house looking like a model home, I have a pile of nachos or five servings of sugary cereal before I retire to my bed at night. While I have friends that love me and care about my health more than I  do, I often poo poo their motivation and would rather take a thirty minute cat nap than get some exercise. And it's all caught up with me.

I'm that mom- no wait- I'm not just "mom"- I'm that woman that walks by mirrors and cringes because she doesn't recognize herself. I'm the woman that used to dress so trendy and cute but now sports oversized "baseball mom" shirts because it's all that I have in my closet that fits.  And why bother with accessories if I'm so fat?  I'm that woman that paid hundreds of dollars a few weeks ago to meet with an endocrinologist to hear that everything is just fine with my thyroid, my insides, and my body- but it is my daily life choices that are resulting in me feeling like crap.  Ya know- the diet coke that flows through my veins, the raw cookie dough that is a snack, and the queso and chips that soothe my soul when the hubby is traveling and I just want something to make me happy.  Yep, the self medication I have been doing with food is what is slowly killing me. The snoring, the high blood pressure headaches and spells, skin tags that have formed- yep, it's all stemming from how I'm treating myself day in and day out.

So yes, I'm that mom that had a baby two years ago and completely let myself go. If you think I don't know it- here's the deal- I'm well aware- more than you'll ever know.

And if you think I'm happy about it, I'm not.  I hate it. I think about it every second of every day. I look at Facebook pictures of so many friends looking better than ever and I want to cry.  Sure, I'm happy for them, but I beat myself up because I just can't get it together.

Today is Thanksgiving.  The one day that revolves around family and food.  Well, today, for me it is not going to revolve around food. One more day of adding pounds to my body depresses me- so I'm starting my lifestyle change today. Now. Not after I down a bagel and cream cheese.  Right now.

Today is Thanksgiving and I'm going to be thankful for me.  For all that God has given me.  For my beautiful family, my amazing friends.  And I'm not going to stop there. I'm going full circle and I'm going to come back to me- because my kids, my husband, and even myself deserve me to be thankful for me.  It' not too late to throw in the towel.  And who knows- If I eat healthy today maybe I won't be so paranoid about people checking out what the fat girl is putting on her plate and just maybe next year I will don a cute outfit and look and feel like myself. 

191.0  Let's do this.

A picture is worth 1,000 words...

Ugh. Blogging became a chore for a long time... but the fact is, blogging keeps me on track. Even if no one reads it, it helps me process my thoughts, I have things written in stone, and it holds me accountable. I know, I'm weird.

Sooooo, I'm starting to blog again. No- not any fancy, in depth deep thoughts or anything, but just my workout/food routine...

My sweet cousin posted some pictures from our family beach trip. The sad thing is I'm ten pounds heavier than this now. I'm officially a big girl. Look at my fingers on my wine glass- They are even fat. You can see my ledge hanging over my pants when I'm sitting. It sucks.

For some, weight doesn't bother them. But for me, that's just not the case. I took my daughter swimming last night and feeling so uncomfortable in a swimsuit was disturbing. I would look down and see my flab hanging out from my tankini and was more worried bout that than splashing with my precious baby... and this summer is NOT going to be like that. I'm three pounds less than being fifty pounds heavier than my wedding day. Yep- 5-0... and my hubby deserves better. Bless his heart, he's never said a word to me...

So here we go:

Plan:

Weight Watchers Weigh-Ins on Thursdays
Count/Track Points
Have two Body by Vi Shakes a day
Drink Water
Cut out Soda
Work out ever day
Kick Ass

Little Black Dress...

Yesterday I went through the McDonald's drive thru... and I was so proud of myself because I didn't order fries. Not to worry, I ordered a large Diet Coke, cheeseburger, and three sugar cookies, and they were engulfed before I was 5 minutes down the road. I know I've had fast food at least 6 out of the 7 past days and on Saturday I hit up McD's for breakfast and Wendy's for lunch like it was nothing. And to make matters worse, this week a new Bakery opened up in my town and I visited it not once, not twice... not even three times... but four in opening week. I'd love to say it's because I'm supporting local business... but let's just say this is just what I do. I eat. It's nothing for me to down a meal, finish it off with 5 pieces of Halloween candy... or to start off making a cake only to eat so much of the batter I only have enough for 12 cupcakes. I was off to a good start and wanted to make butternut squash this week... and instead of roasting it, I wanted to caramelize it... and when I didn't have brown sugar a friend told me to mix sugar and molasses together. I was so impressed with myself that I added some to half a block of cream cheese and polished it off in a hot second- without even thinking twice. And yes, I do know this is a problem. I'm an emotional binge eater.

I'm at my all time heaviest weight. I don't even want to say the number. Physically, I'm tired all the time, feel gross, my rolls bother me- but yet I'm still able to run a 5k in less than 28 minutes and workout with the best of them. And I wonder why they say it's up to 90% eating.

Somehow life has gotten in the way. Imagine that. I will say that mentally I'm in a good place. While I hate my body, having a third baby has brought sooooo much joy to my life. My family is thriving and I'm loving it. Now, I just need to learn how to balance taking care of myself in with shuttling the kids to practices, cuddling with my 8 month old, and making sure the kids read every night.:)

So many articles I read say that you have to be in a place where you want to make change for yourself. While I believe this is true, and I know that I'm getting there, sometimes I feel like you need a push. You need someone that you don't want to let down. When I worked out at LA Boxing, the manager was my trainer... and so many times- I didn't take that second helping of food or drink my regular 2 liter of soda a day because I didn't want to let him down.

I have a friend that I look up to and she has had amazing results working out with Liza Hughes... and so I'm jumping on the bandwagon and joining her 21 day little black dress challenge... Between Thanksgiving and Christmas I'm going to stick to eating plans, workout, and find myself again. Or so I hope. I've got to stop turning to food and using it as my vice.

Here's hoping that new habits form, I can say Merry Christmas to myself with the best gift of all- taking care of myself, and I start a new journey toward health. Why wait until January!?!

Oh yes, and what challenge doesn't start with those awful before pictures... Here I go- off to beg the Hubster to take them for the millionth time.:)

P.S... I rejoined LA Boxing and have started back... I'm a paying member now- because I believe it's worth every penny and then some- let me know if you want to join me for a class!:)

Live like you're dying

Last week, I made a phone call and set up an appointment at Jenny Craig. I didn't go. Then, I asked my mom for a 15 day "loan" so I could join a local "detox diet" program. She said no. Then, I told her I was joining Weight Watchers. And she looked at me and said, "Shelley, what has worked for you? So many things are gimmicks. You have to do what works for you and learn good, healthy habits."

Point taken.

I woke up at the crack of dawn on Monday, put on my hand wraps, and met a friend at Tori Nelson's boxing class. Yep, I rejoined LA Boxing... now known as UFC gym... and I'm loving it.

I'm also just trying to eat healthy. Ya know, downing a protein shake, snacking on almonds, trying to wean myself off of Diet Coke... and hating every minute of it- but not going to hard core yet- because I don't want to be a royal bitch... but I'll get there. It's true... Eat less, move more. It works.

Today I showed up and took Julius's class and loved it. Boxing makes me energized. It's fun, and one kick ass workout. Granted, I'm pretty sure Julius was worried about my life at some point- when he looked at me and told me I had to breathe and to catch my breath... as sweat was pouring off of me, I was gasping for air, and not gonna lie, a little bit of puke had made it's way up my esophagus. But yet, this was still fun.

Ya see, I want to live life. I want to wear a two piece. I want to sport cutoff jeans, cowboy boots, and call me crazy, but one year I want to go to a Halloween party and knock my hubby's socks off in a sexy costume. I want to do every day things too- Like not drive to the out of the way Harris Teeter that is always empty just because I don't want to run into someone I know when I'm not "all done up" and feeling like a cow. I don't want to have to wear spandex because my thighs are talking to each other and need lube. I don't want to feel like a slob and not take care of myself because I'm feeling down about my weight and feeling unworthy. I want to do so many things... and above all, I want to be a healthy role model for my children.

So, I'm back at it girls... I'm trying. I might die trying, but I'm trying. Ya only live once and when it's my time, I want to damn well not have been holding back because of my rolls and extra flab. Life is too short.

If ya wanna take a ride wit me... Oh I might be at the gym... and would love the company. Just sayin.':)