Stagnant. That's pretty much the state of this blog. And while many might view this blog as a complete failure- Hello- Weight loss blogger who manages to blog about gaining her confidence and getting her body back while losing twenty pounds... only to continue documenting her suburban life for the next year... while gaining thirty big, fat l.b.'s back... But I don't. In fact, I like to look on the bright side of life- and I've realized that this very blog has saved me thousands in therapy.
Truthfully, I've never tried therapy... but blogging has served as my hourly psychologist appointment for just a little over a year and half now. And even though I'm up in weight and have the worst physical body I've ever had in my life, this blog has given me so much more- a sense of self. Right along with my readers, I have learned about me as a person.
Having never been one to walk to the beat of my own drum, I always was a follower. I seek approval, like to make other's happy, and am a people pleaser. I care about what other's think of me and and am easily hurt. I'm sensitive- and get nervous when I don't know people- to the point of not being able to speak. BUT... Writing and putting it all out there has been a gift to me. Ya see, writing has put my life in front of my very own eyes and I don't have to hide or make excuses about what I really think. It's kind of been my year and a half of "coming out of the closet."
I'm no longer Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride... I know how I like my eggs. I always thought if I was assigned an essay, I wouldn't be able to write about myself... But all that has changed.
I am a 33 year old stay at home mom. Life's not perfect and neither am I. But I know that I love to love. I love my family more than life itself. My family is my everything and I don't know what I'll do when something happens to my grandparents. I love my parents and am blessed they love me the way they do. My children are my life- and if I have to go without to give them everything they want, then so be it. I love being a wife and a mother and have abso-freaking-lutely no career ambition at all. Throw me a retirement party... at least until I realize I need to make some Benjamin's to put my kiddos through college. I love lounging and sleeping in. I love soft blankets and my snuggie. I have to begin my day with morning love- and my children know that we don't do anything until we snuggle, hug, and kiss for a good ten minutes to "put Mommy in a good mood." I love burning candles and do so every day- They make me happy. I love the beach, the pool, the lake, and any sort of water. While I had a great time visiting Paris, I don't need to see the world. Give me a trashy magazine, my ass in the sand, and toes in the water, and I'm a happy girl. I love history- Not like World War II and stuff, but things that make me think of things... For example, I have my grandmother's measuring spoons framed and hanging in my kitchen. I love everything about decorating and I could have a slammin' house if I had to the money... I could drool over house stuff for days. Like molding- crown molding makes me swoon. And yes, I said slammin'. I often say old school words... like awesome, the bomb dot com, and so on. And I have a bad mouth and sometimes let curse words slip. My best friend is Ashley and if she lived here, people would for sure think we're lesbos. We talk five times a day if not more. I will always be Princess Daisy of O'Ryan in our Ya-Ya Sisterhood. I could totally be a hippy. I love braids, flowers in my hair, and blowing bubbles. I love music. Every kind- rap, country, rock. You name it. I can't sing and I can't dance- but they are my favorite things to do. I would make a great guy. I genuinely love Sportscenter. I love the Redskins, college football, and Gameday. I'm counting down until football season. I love me some Hokies. Blacksburg makes me happy and is where I fell in love with my husband. I somewhat stalked him before I dated him. Not somewhat, I did. I love his neck... especially after he gets a haircut. Hotness. I guess he does it for me- and I'm so proud of how far the two of us have come together. I love Jesus, and God probably thinks I'm nutso because I talk to him all the time. I often pray when I'm on the pot. I love smells. I have a habit of smelling the skin on my arm and my mom catches me doing it all the time. I love the smell of skin after being outside. They should bottle that. Drakkar Noir the cologne makes me think of the hubz. He wore it back in the day. I used to wear Liz Claiborne in the triangle bottle or Navy... and recently bought it. The first day made me happy, and then it made me gag. I need new perfume but have yet to discover "my scent." I love Shaper hairspray. I am always behind on technology and have never texted in my life. I refuse to get texting because I know I would do it too much. I love riding in a convertable. My first car was a convertible Toyota Celica. I didn't get my license for a full year after I turned 16 because I wrecked Richard Fletcher's car and also stole my parent's car when I didn't have my license. As in stole- I was grounded, ran away in their car, and drove to Winchester to see my boyfriend. That's a story in itself- but No regrets. And thinking about it, I probably owe the Flether's some money. I will one day drive a convertible again. I make my son promise that he'll buy me a Mercedes when he grows up, but if I had to choose, I'd sport a Jeep, M.G., Alfa Romeo, or old VW Bug with the top down. Or maybe even a completely beat-up truck like Tim Riggins drives on Friday Night Lights. I'm so sad that they ended that show. Texas Forever. If there is anyone that reminds me of myself, it would be Mindy from FNL. She cracked me up- especially in the scene when she was doing Tae-Bo. Billy Blanks works- My hubby and I used to do it one summer when we stayed at Tech for summer school- Man- what a fun summer that was! I like to tie one on once in a while- but don't like to drink... only to get drunk. Ha! My drinks of choice are Natty Light and Aristocrat Vodka chased with a Tostito. High class, I tell ya, high class. I love soccer but probably will never play again. I tell my mom that I don't miss it, but I do- but I don't want her to lecture me with an, "I told ya so" story. I didn't watch any of the World Cup... and I know those girls are sick of hearing about the team of '99. But the team of '99 rocked. Shannon Higgins from that squad used to train my travel soccer team. She didn't shave her legs. My legs need to be shaved.
This could go on forever... but the point is- like the old Jessica Andrews song, I know "Who I Am." For the first time in my life, I'm me. And while I'm not giving up blogging, I just don't need it as much right now... kind of like therapy.
Don't worry... I'll still be around because eventhough I feel like I have grown and this journey has transformed me into a mother who knows who she is... one thing remains the same...I'm fat. And will be joining Watchers tomorrow. Because I know that I'm Nanny P.P. and Sue Smith's granddaughter, and that I love being thin.