Called Out...

For the past year or so, I've kind of been living off the notion that if I never start, I'll never fail. Ya know, if I talk about doing things... but never actually commit, I won't let people down~ including myself.

That's gotten me nowhere.

So, my new outlook is- You will never win if you never begin, so I'm going to begin dammit. I'm going on a diet (gasp) and working out with a trainer who has me committing to daily workouts. And I hope to live to write about it...

My friend/trainer, Natasha, is so sweet and trying to help me get my rear in gear- Ha- that's one of my mom's favorite sayings, and I just wrote it naturally.:) While chillin' at the pool- because that's what we housewives do, I decided I'd take the plunge and show her my little black book...

Yes, I'm a dork like that and literally have a little, black book that houses motivational quotes- You like that- "How did I let this happen to me?" Right?:)

Paperwork from where I have met with nutritionists... You know, like the time when I had gained weight before I wanted to conceive and I thought I was soooo fat. Yep, I noticed yesterday that I was 25 years old and soooo fat at 149 pounds... Oh, how I'd kill to be that again!

It also includes meal plans from people I admire and wish I could be like- who have won at losing...

and you can't leave out the pictures- some "fat" pictures that I hate and are supposed to keep me on track, and then the skinny pictures that I long to be like again.

Some say that a trainer is one part trainer and the other part therapist. And now I know why. My girl Natasha always makes fun of me and asks me if I ever get mad. If I ever yell at my kids, and if I ever don't have a smile on my face. Truthfully, I'm a pretty happy chick. But then, when we started going through the pictures, she nailed it. My weight correlates to things in my life. Duh...

I started off pre-wedding- skinny. Then we progressed to my one year wedding anniversary- I had packed on 20 pounds. Don't ya know they say a happily married woman gains 17.3 pounds that first year. I always say I was super happy... but I also fail to mention that I was extremely homesick being away from my family in Oklahoma... and I ate. We'll skip a few years, bounced around with my weight and she talked about my weight and where I was in my life. Then she point blank said, "Shelley, there must be a reason why you eat the way you do now." Thanks babe... way to call me out at the pool. Ha!

And then when I got home, all of these emotions came to me. I eat when I'm hungry, when I'm mad, when I'm sad, and when I'm lonely. I eat. It comforts me.

So yes... I eat when I'm not this happy go lucky girl that I hope to be 100 percent of the time. I eat when my kids are screaming in the car and can't agree on a movie. I grab McDonald's. I begin my day with a Diet Coke and a carb in the morning when I'm tired because I don't sleep at night. I'd like to say I am a night person, but I also have insomnia and hate being home alone at night. I check my locks three times. And when I've had a LONG day- even if it just consisted of basking in the sun at the pool with my kids and having a grand ole' time- at 6:00pm when I watch a parade of cars pulling into their driveways and other hubbys arriving home for dinner, I eat. Being a pilot's wife can be hard, and downright suck at times when you are alone, want to have a happy, family dinner, but all you can think about is making it through another three hours when you are dead tired... let alone the bedtime routine of books and brushing teeth...alone. You wonder, "Man, is this what I signed up for when I married this man!"... (But no worries, the good definietly outweighs the bad, and I lucked out... for better or worse, baby). So I eat. And when the kids are finally in bed and the house is quiet, I eat, because it can be just that- too quiet... and lonely.

So, there ya go. I realize I eat... like I didn't know that... but by sharing my "little black book" it was loud and clear that there might be a little more to my habits than I ever knew. Don't they say the first step is admitting you have a problem. And at least now I can work on it...

Phew... that felt good. Now, who can teach me a hobby. Anyone cross-stitch?:)

*For those of you that read this blog, I have decided not to continue posting my blogs on iammodern.com. I love each and every one of you that read it here- But this blog has become more of a journal and I don't feel the need to share it to the world, nor crazies.:) Thanks so much for all of your support.:)