Tuesday, January 17, 2012

You ARE beautiful

Long ago, I went to a soccer camp with two friends during high school. Over the years, I had spent weeks upon weeks at soccer camp, but let me just tell ya- we made a lot of memories at this overnight camp...

At the beginning of the week, my friend walked in the bathroom only to catch one of the girls at this co-ed camp staring at herself in the mirror telling herself how beautiful she was- "You are beautiful. You are soooo beautiful." And being the evil teenage girls that we were, we mocked and imitated her the rest of the week- behind closed doors of course. Yeah- not nice, I know.

Oh what a week- This is the same camp where- true story, my friend stared at a Gatorade bottle and said the shape and size was making her horny. To this day I sometimes wonder if A) We were just up way past curfew and had turned delerious, B) She had really experienced someone that well endowed, or C) If there is something wrong with me because obviously my sex drive is not at that point. I mean inanimate objects aren't exactly making me want to dryhump the bed these days.

This was also the week that I accidentally sat under a tree that had dropped some berries. Dark red berries that I didn't see. Dark red berries that went ALL OVER my soccer shorts that were light in color. Dark red berries that looked like I had leaked so bad. Dark red berries that completely mortified me when I asked our coach from England if I could run back to the dorm to change shorts because I had sat on a berry. "Sure ya can, and sure ya sat on a berry." He so didn't buy it...

O.k.... I digressed. But what's new. Back to the you are beautiful girl. Looking back, her mama must have taught her well. She was so confident. To this day, I couldn't do that- well, maybe with a few shots of vodka, but not in my every day life. When I lift at the gym with my husband, I feel ridiculous looking at myself. When I'm in class, I can't look straight ahead to see my reflection and form. I feel like one of those sorority chicks that is naked and people are writing all over her body. Your thighs are tree trunks, you have a spare tire around your belly, you double chin is obnoxious... and I just can't bear to look at what I have let myself become. I literally can't look at my reflection in the gym.

I'm working on it though. I want to be the woman in the mirror that loves her outside. I want to be the woman that is proud, and that doesn't need Christina Aguliera singing words I can sing along with- I am beautiful, no matter what you say... I want to be that poor girl we laughed so hard about- the girl looking in the mirror saying "You are beautiful." And I only hope and pray that my daughter is that girl that others are laughing at- because in the end, you realize that she was the one who had all the confidence in the world and had gotten it right.

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