Self-Reliance

Have you ever done something without even realizing you did it until after the fact?  That was me this weekend.  I'm the girl that gets nervous in public- I can be socially awkward.  If a teacher called on me in college, I wouldn't return to the class.  If I have to speak in a group setting- I stress and wanna cry.  Yet, this weekend, I signed up for a free local clinic at Transition Triathlon on "first time tri's", arranged for my parents to babysit the kids, and went to the class- all.by.myself.

It didn't even don on me until halfway through the class that I had walked in all by myself.  All by myself people!

I know- it sounds like nothing- but for me, this was huge.  Ever since I've had kids, I rely on others so much.  With a traveling hubby, I pride myself on holding it all together and being pretty independent- but when it comes down to it- for years, I've been dependent on others.  I rely on my hubby to work and pay the bills.  I rely on my kids to bring me happiness.  Heck, there are days when I even rely on my b-f-f for a wake-up call! 

I spend so much of my time thinking about how I can lose weight, what I can do to my house, and what I can shop for next...  Ya know- If I hire a nutritionist, she should make sure I eat right. If I hire a trainer, she should be the one to get my rear in gear.  And when it comes down to it- these things are up to me!

I'm just so over it all.  I'm over longing for the perfect body.  I'm over comparing myself to the Joneses.  I'm over needing the perfect car, the perfect house, the perfect family- and it feels liberating.

I can't say I'm not still the same gal with insecurities.  I mean, I logged into Facebook today and the first thing I thought was how I should have been more creative with the kids Easter baskets this year- but instead of sitting around thinking about things like this, bugging my hubby for money and running out to buy a monogrammed bucket- I didn't dwell... Instead, I hopped on my bike for 45 minutes of sweaty bliss. 

For a long time, I've felt like I need a hobby in my life- something I enjoy for me... And without ever even having done one, I can say that training for this tri has given me that. 

I'm excited.  I'm learning.  I'm improving.  I'm scared. I'm nervous.  I'm thinking how the heck am I going to do this.  But above all, I'm doing. 

I'm relying on myself.  I'm winging it.  And I'm hoping that in three months I'll be able to say... I just did a triathlon...  All.by.myself. :)