Sunday, March 4, 2012


Sit back and grab a cup of Joe... this is a long one- or just don't even bother if you don't like someone blabbering their feelings.

Do you ever talk out loud just so people can hear you?  You know, like when  you are doing something you think others might look down on, or something that you really don't normally do and you just don't feel like being judged?  I do it all the time, "Addie- only one little sip... What would Daddy say?" as I let her have soda just to pacify her in Wegman's.  For real, we don't let our kids have soda or tea unless it's a really special occasion- so when I do, I feel like I'm doing something wrong and I don't want people looking down on me... when really, who the heck cares!?!

This weekend in the gym, a lady was getting her daughter showered after swim lessons and I, myself, was getting a shower and getting ready for the day, too.  Ahhh.... a shower in peace!  She was a little heavyset, and I pretty much overheard her whole day's events... about how they were headed to get her daughter's haircut, etc... and then she started in...

"I'd really like to get your swim lessons moved to a later time when the pool isn't so crowded so Mommy can swim laps.  Mommy used to always work out, but remember I injured my shoulder and I haven't been able to work out for months.  I really miss it and can't wait to swim again... Oh, and I hope Daddy is getting home  early today.  He was trying to get on an earlier flight so he'd be home sooner."

My heart melted.  I just wanted to go hug this woman and tell her that I feel her.  I feel all of her insecurities, her pain, her everything.  I get it.  Homegirl- you used to be skinny and in shape, and right now you feel awful that you just watched swim lessons and sat on your ass.  Your hubby is out of town and you want to make sure I know that you have a husband because right now you feel really alone doing it all on your own on a Saturday when the gym is filled with happy families.  Yep, girl, I get it.

Sometimes, I wish I could just walk around with a shirt that says, "I didn't always look this way."  And yes, to all of my friends that care so much about me, I know I don't look horrible.:)  But most of you that read this are my present day friends.  None of you knew me from back in the day- and right now, I'm not afraid to say, I'm in a very vain place.  I'm working my butt off and I still have 35 pounds to go and it seems like it's just never going to happen.

It's true- I hate the fact that people never knew me when I was in shape.  I used to live and breathe sports.  There was a fire in me and I craved competition.  I wouldn't think twice about pulling a girls pony tail to get the ball, slide tackling the shit out of someone, or playing dirty.  Yes, this woman that many of you see with a permanent smile on her face that is a complete optimist was mean- the lean, mean, yellow card Queen. 

And I miss that person.  No one, and I mean no one that has met me within the last ten years would know that I was such an athlete... and for so long, that was what defined me.  It defined me as a person and was who I was.  I craved competition. On the field, I was afraid of nothing.  And all of that is gone.  I don't know when it happened, or how I lost that fire, but it's gone.  I'm always holding myself back- afraid to try anything, afraid to actually race or even train because I feel like I'll never be that girl that once was.  I have no inner drive. Heck, I'm even a scaredy cat. It's almost like I'm just completely afraid of trying because I'm afraid I'll fail.  And mama hates losing. 

I hate it.  I won't "fully" train for a race because I know that getting a really good time isn't going to happen any time soon.  I won't "really" attempt a triathlon because I'm afraid I'll be last.  I don't even get involved in my kids sports.  I hold myself back because I'm so competitive if I let that come out, people might think I'm crazy... so I'm just quiet... eventhough inside I'm wanting to scream sometimes! I love sports- and I'm not being conceited, but I proabably could coach a football, basketball, or baseball team and know more than some of the coaches, but I feel like I don't look like I have any street credibility, so it's better to just stay quiet.   Dude, I even used to play dumb in my old neighborhood when the kids were playing soccer- like I had never played because I didn't want to act like I had a clue what I was doing just in case I messed up.  What the heck!?!

 Today at the gym, I took the Sunday morning kickboxing class for the first time.  I have never seen a class so packed.  I'm talking 75 people in a small room crammed like sardines.  The instructor was a couple minutes late, but when she walked in the room, people started applauding.  And I quickly saw why.  This instructor- Nikki- walked into the room and emitted happiness waves.  She was powerful and yet graceful without saying a word. 

During the class, she never corrected anyone.  We got to one part where we were moving our arms like a block and she came in front of me and yelled, "Hit it.  Act like you're hitting something!!!!"  And BAM... it was clear to me.  I was even holding back in class.  Why the hell was I so timid?  I guarantee I could outspar anyone in that room and yet I was throwing these pansy ass blocks being a pussy.  Sorry, I know that was not showing any class whatsoever.,.. It's just how I feel.

So, what's the point of all this nonsense?  It's me.  The only thing holding me back right now is me.  The only competition I have right now is myself.  I can't let those thoughts in my head be what define me.  Yes, so much of a weight battle is what you put in your mouth and how many times you make it to the gym each week... but for some, it's just as much of a head battle.  It's how we see ourselves.  It's how our heart feels and how we choose to live. It's those demons in our head telling us, "You got here, do you deserve to get back your body?  Is it ever even possible?  Are you worth it?"

I have two choices.  I can be the woman who talks out loud and continues sugarcoating and justifyling things just so she herself feels better, or I can keep on keepin' on and find my own "Nikki."  I can be the best me that I can be.

And I choose the later.  Oh, and I'm down ten pounds.  Cheers to that!:)

This weeks goal:  Life is a gift.  Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is the present...

Show up and be present.  Most of all- Live in the present- It's really all that matters.

1 comment:

  1. I want one of those shirts!! I totally get it as well! and yay for being down 10 pounds! :)