Sunday, October 24, 2010

Give Me Strength

Dear Skinny Bitch,

Yeah, I mean you on the recumbent bike machine. You in the super tight gray workout shirt and size XXS black yoga pants. The one with freshly applied shiny lip gloss. You, the one with perfect hair, the one without any sweat, the one not even working out. You, the one gabbing with your friend, peddling a mere .0002 miles per hour. I'm talking to you.

Quite frankly, you are pissing me off. On the outside, you are everything I want to be. Everything I strive to be. Skinny, in-shape, pretty, and you probably even smell minty and fresh due the gum you are chompin' on. Right now, I don't like you. I'm over here on the elliptical sweating my a$$ off. I'm stinkin' to high heavens in my ten year old t-shirt that is wrinkled and that doesn't match my shorts that happen to be riding up my thighs. I am filling with anger and I really want to smack you. Sorry, but it's true.

Luckily for you, working out is a time of reflection for me. Since it's the news hour and I can't focus on a good show, I'm thinking about life. And as my mind keeps getting the best of me and the inner demon is filled with jealousy, I realize that I'm not acting like the woman I want to be. You, as in the pretty little lady on the bike, have done nothing to me. I know nothing about you, but I'm full of judgment. I'm bitter about my weight gain, and some days, it gets the best of me. It's hard. You did not put the food in my mouth or make me skip workouts. You did not make me binge at night when I was having a bad day. It was me that made those decisions.

I know nothing about you. For all I know, you have struggled with your weight, worked hard, and beaten the battle of the bulge. Or, maybe, just maybe, you struggle with infertility and haven't been able to bear children. Or who knows, maybe you are taking the day off from working out and are confiding in your friend working out beside you about a family member struggling with cancer. I know nothing about you, but the mere fact that I am struggling and working so hard to lose less than a pound while burning these calories and that you are taking it easy over there looking great, disturbs me. Sorry, but it's the truth.

I'm twenty minutes into my workout, and after hating you and bitching you out, I really should walk over and give you a hug. Thanks to you, I have amped it up and increased my level and intensity. Because when it's all said and done, if I want to look like you, I need to continue on this journey and do what it takes to lose the weight. And today my dear, you were my motivation.

I can only hope that one day, I'm the "skinny bitch" at the gym. Trust me, it's a compliment.

A gym wallflower that you hopefully didn't notice,

Here's to learning to work on the inside just as much as the outside.:)
Proverbs 31:3
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

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