Thursday, April 28, 2011

Never again.

I need to bookmark this post. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for sharing all that I do here. Some of you might think I'm down and out reading this. I'm really not... but there's no faking or hiding it- I'm disgusted with my body.

Today was the day I was supposed to pick out a cute little frock to wear to a family wedding that is on a boat this weekend. I wanted something bright and fun. Instead, I went from store to store with money to blow... and came home with a pair of earrings. I didn't even buy shoes, because I swear even my piggies have gone up a size in footwear.

It was one of those days of sheer terror. I've had all this time to lose weight for this wedding, and then the time came and I was in defense mode. I was thinking- What can I possibly buy to make me look thin, take a few pounds off, and flatter my big ass that is even more apparent since I chopped a good 8 inches off my hair yesterday? Yep, security blanket of the lion's mane is now history. Things were so bad, and the size of clothing I was trying on was a size I've never reached for in my entire life, so what did I do?

I started searching. And it wasn't for clothes.

I googled HCG clinics in Northern Virginia. I searched Diets to Go. I walked the aisle in Target and was thisclose to buying Hydroxycut. And I even called the Physicians Weight Loss Center and tried to phenagle how I can get the hubz to let me use our leftover flexible spending money on a doctor supervised weight loss program instead of scheduling that crown that I've been putting off.

And then I realized. This feeling that I have right now and the reflection I see in the mirror is all I need. Today, I hit my breaking point.

I can turn to fads and continue this cycle of being really good nutrition wise until 11:00 and then binging the rest of the day, or I can make a change and work hard to be healthy. And it was at that point that I turned into the crazy woman in the dressing room in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever and took my vows to myself.

I vow to treat my body with respect. I will do everything in my power to never, ever feel like this again. I dream of the day that I don't pinch my rolls, have to suck it all in, or even think about what I'm going to wear. This is it. Never again.

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