I want to remember this...

So, I have these hairbrained ideas... and this week I messaged a random friend, told her my weight, and asked that she check in on me weekly and try to motivate me. Modern day fat shaming if you will.  Ya see, people always say you have to reach the point where you want it and are ready, but I got to thinking- What if you want it, but have lost that will to begin because you are just afraid you will fail yet again, and maybe, just maybe, if you have someone checking in on you and you aren't just doing it for yourself, it will help.

I want to remember the feeling of sharing a number on the scale so high my heart hurts. I want to remember this.

Its also the holidays and every where you turn there are treats and sweets and so much goodness.  But it's the holidays and I refused to have our family picture on our Christmas card because I didn't want to broadcast to the world how large and in charge I am.  Never again. I want to remember this.

With the holidays come gatherings and the other day as I was strolling through Kohls looking for a shirt to wear with my leggings- because yes, any type of button pants won't button on me, I saw one out of the corner of my eye.  I walked over, saw the 1x and realized I was in the Women's big girl section, almost had a meltdown, and bought it. And now if I go anywhere I'm paranoid my tag will be sticking out and someone will know I'm in 1x.  I want to remember this.

Every minute of every day, I think about my weight and it brings me down.

I want to remember this.

Because this is not me.

I am better than this.